Sorry I disappeared for a week without warning; I was off doing disaster recovery work! It was awesome, even though we hadn't exactly expected for a natural disaster to crop up right where we'd been planning to have a mission trip for the past year. I suddenly have a lot more appreciation for the luxuries of life, such as drinking water.
So, I'm not doing too well with following Aunt Mary's advice to write something every day... oh, well. I'll get it figured out. Hopefully things are going to get back to normal soon.
The problem with being me is that I really, really like to share my writing. This works when I'm writing, say, a cute little poem about how much my friends mean to me, but not necessarily quite so well when I want to write about the tough questions in my life. I created this blog as a place to wrestle with the hardest questions... but then I went and told people about it. Sigh. Maybe I should go find some less-exciting place to ask the questions I'm not allowed to ask, like "Who am I?" (The correct answer, in my case, is NOT "Jean Valjean," as awesome as he is. You want my friend Scott for that. Though I would have happily stolen his part, even though I'm a girl and have a very obviously feminine voice... and I couldn't have legally pulled off the shirt-ripping thing he did so well in a high-school play...)
Obviously, I'm rambling. I've been letting myself read again, you see, and my thoughts have gotten all disorganized. Focus, Iuliana.
I've been exploring my own secrets in my mind lately. I feel like I'm compelled to talk about them, because I prayed over Workcamp that I would become a more honest person. Because my secrets are part of me too. Because maybe if I tell the truth, maybe that will make life better for someone in the future, who isn't even born yet, who will need less help to get by in a less hostile world.
But of course I'm a coward, and that's part of who I am as much as anything else too. The truth doesn't come easily to me when I believe that it will put me in danger--and there are truths that will.
No, I didn't finish my homework. I didn't finish my college applications either, or my thank-you notes. I still didn't finish my homework. Actually, I don't understand my homework assignment at all; I was embarrassed to ask for help because then you'd see how little I had managed to accomplish. No, I can't do that--my mind just doesn't work that way.
Those were a few of the more benign ones from the past year, the ones that will only get me called a lazy brat who needs to stop acting like a hermit (and meanwhile I'm hiding in my bedroom because it's the only place I know where I can safely have my own thoughts). There are others that would lose me loved ones. There are others that could cost me my physical safety if they fell into the wrong hands, that have nearly cost others with similar secrets their lives, recently, in my city.
I hate lies, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me.
I guess I'm not going to be able to produce a coherent blog post in my current state of mind (i.e. so tired and hungry as to produce effects nearly identical to intoxication). I hope this is good enough.
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